Fake it 'Til You Make It

I'm sure you have heard the expression "fake it 'til you make it." I never realized quite how much I live by that expression until recently.

Whenever I feel awkward or uncomfortable, I am very good about turning on a smile and making small talk. In many ways, I am a master at small talk. I'm usually able to find something that I can chat with a person about. It does not matter if I even find the particular subject interesting - just having something to chat about alleviates my awkwardness. It lightens the situation and allows me to appear engaging and gregarious. Normally, I am a complete basket case on the inside but as long as I do not appear that way - things are good.

In my opinion, the "fake it" mentality is great for networking at industry events. Let's be honest - rarely are people genuine at industry functions. Unless you are chatting with friends, people usually have some kind of agenda. Whether they are trying to figure out how to get business out of you or trying to get gossip about a mutual colleague from you, there is some master plan. But this is ok because most people know the game and can choose to play or not to play.

In personal relationships, the "fake it" mentality can be trickier. If you act somewhat carefree and completely comfortable in someone's presence when in fact you are not, then it can lead to misunderstandings. The person might think that you are so casual that you don't really care about them (because it's too much too soon). Or, they might think that you are shallow and have no capacity for serious conversations because you stick to chatting about inane subjects.

Personally, I think that it is usually a defense mechanism. It's easier to keep people at arm's length until you process your feelings toward them. When you let someone know your true feelings about various things, you let them get closer too you. When someone becomes close to you, they have the power to hurt you. I think that many people - myself included - do not want to give just anyone this power. You need to first decide if this person is worthy of trust. Can you trust them to accept you for who you are? Are they able to accept how you feel about various things without mocking you?

Not everyone that you meet is going to be worthy of this trust. In the past, I know that I've trusted people who were not worth the effort. Those experiences make you wary of opening up to the next person. That does not mean that you stop through. Just that you are more careful the next time. Being selective isn't a bad thing. It's all about self preservation.

That said I think that the "fake it til you make it" philosphopy usually gets a bad rap. But I believe that in many situations, it's the way to go. It buys you some time to process your own feelings. Just don't wait too long. Eventually you have to become genuinely comfortable or else you'll be faking life forever. Or, you will lose someone that you care about because of your fear of opening up. And that would be a shame.