The ladder theory is a relationship explanation theory. The men who wrote it are kind of intense and include many many rules. But, what it boils down to is that men and women view relationships differently in the following ways:
1) Men cannot just be friends with women. Even if they have known the woman for 25 years, at one point or another they will imagine what it would be like to sleep with that woman.
Each woman is assigned a position on the man's ladder. The top of the ladder is the woman with whom the man wants the most. The bottom of the ladder includes women that the man probably finds hideous but would still sleep with - although not admit to it.
The abyss is the place that women fall into if they are in some way so unappealing to the man that he would run screaming in the other direction. From what the ladder theorists say, there are very few women in the abyss.
2) Women have 2 ladders. They have the friend ladder and the relationship (real) ladder. The friend ladder includes people with whom the woman never plans to ever have sex. The relationship ladder is similar to the man's ladder.
If a man tries to cross from the friend ladder to the relationship ladder, he usually ends up falling into the abyss. The relationship with the woman becomes so awkward that they stop being friends as well as potential partners.
A few months ago when I first heard about the ladder theory, I thought it was the dumbest thing that I had ever heard. It took everything in me not to tell the ladder theory aficionado guy that he was a few cards short of a full deck if he bought this crap. But, I minded my manners and kept my opinion to myself.
However, in the last few months, I have discussed the ladder theory with many people. Probably because I find it so bizarre that it makes for great conversation. After discussing it with a few men, I've come to realize that while the ladder theory takes an overly simplified view of relationships, it does hold some truth. The kernel of truth is that some men are very limited in their ability to have various types of relationships with women.
Many straight men are not interested in having a true friendship with a woman. They have their buddies to fill that void in their lives. Although they can be friendly with women, there is always the possibility of something more. However, I think that most men get over it so that they do not destroy good friendships. They are able to keep those "maybe it could happen" feelings to themselves.
Women are capable of being friends with men - even those to whom they may have been previously attracted. In my opinion, this comes from a change in mindset on the part of women that some men are incapable of making. I call it "flipping the switch." Something may happen - an argument, meeting a new person, change in location, etc - that makes a potential relationship no longer possible. At this time, the woman flips the switch and moves the man from the relationship ladder to the friend ladder. This allows her to keep a connection with an important person in her life but move on to find a new relationship partner.
It is not possible for women to flip the switch with all men. If a break-up or falling out is so horrific, there is probably no hope of salvaging that relationship - at least not for a loooong time. At this point, you should just cut your losses and move on. Time to find someone new and banish said man from your life.
In my opinion, the ladder theory provides such a simplistic view of relationships that it diminishes humans until they are little more than animals. This may be the point of the theorists. They may think that we are not that evolved when it comes to sex - that we are basically reverting back to caveman tactics.
This may be true, but I think that it sells people - especially men - short. If one were to take the ladder theory as gospel, then people would really miss out on worthwhile and life changing friendships. And that would really suck.
The odds of a man and a woman being in the same position on each other's ladder are slim. However, that does not mean that all of the other women or men on your ladder will not bring valuable contributions to your life.
I guess it's up to the individual to decide if he/she is capable of rising above the caveman instinct to chuck the ladder out the window and take each person on his/her own merit. We evolved for a reason, right? So we might as well act like it.
I think it's more that men and women are different. I think their definitions of friends are different which is why I think men and women should have friends outside of a relationship even those friends are of opposite genders. Women generally want friends who share, who would be good companions. In general, men who are best friends for decades do not share. Ever. They have a serious conversation annually to catch up, but there's no actual talking. They want someone they can do stuff with, who can just know whereas women like to overtalk and overanalyze. I think that's why men and women view relationships differently.
ReplyDeleteI do think men and women can be friends. I think it's a matter of knowing yourself and knowing what you want. Are you the type of woman who can just drink with a guy, talk about a movie or a hockey game and then forget about them 5 minutes later? Do you do that and then think about them and wonder if they thought you were smart or think you're more interesting than you were yesterday and want to start dating? That's probably someone who can't just be friends with a guy. Also, men can't assume a woman talks to them and of course wants to have sex with them.
That said, I also think that, while IN a relationship, men and women can be in different points and continuously move up and down the ladder (either the one in the ladder theory or just as a metaphor). As long as you all stick to the rules of the relationship and always come back to the same point eventually, I think it's normal.
Totally should see Defending the Caveman. The original guy doesn't do it anymore, but it's performed by a few other stand-ins. It's hilarious and all about men and women in a practical sense, not like a Ph.D. sense.